Is there a Miracle?

Today is my mother's death anniversary. Yeah you bet, she visited me late morning. I have just called the hospital to cancel an appointment that overlapped when I could not find the TV remote. Exasperated, I logged in to the computer, but the computer was also acting strangely.

Okay, so I said,yeah I am going to go out and get a piece of cake. She didn't like the pancit or the "suman" that I usually cooked and served. That's how I remember her birth/death anniversary.

One last attempt to find the TV remote, although it was not probable, I looked for it under the seat cushions of the sofa bed. There it is. I said hi and off I went to buy a candle and a small cake.

Last Sunday, she had already visited me.

She knew that I will be seeing the oncologist, Tuesday.

Her message was, "You can choose, you are given a new lease of life (which I am going to write a separate story) with the reminder that I will not be immuned from getting hurt and getting sad because that is the way it is. There's no perfect life. "

I asked her what did she mean by I can choose? Can I choose to die or to live longer? Isn't that confusing?

She explained that I have been living on a borrowed life ever since I came back from being dead when I was just a few months old. Then the series of the near death experiences that I called myself a cat with nine lives almost brought me "home". The closest was when I saw my deceased father extending his hands so I can go with him where there's no pain and sorrow. That was when my heart "skipped a bit" when I was brought unconscious to the emergency room due to the high blood pressure. That was when I was undergoing personal crisis which no one noticed due to my outward happy disposition. Did I wish to die then?

More questions before she left, so if I choose to live longer, what would I do? Will there any mission in life?

My mother said, yes. You will receive it in self-destructing cd or whatever you may call it.

Hahaha, she's still funny or is it just my brain hoping that I will have good news from the oncologist.

Two Angels And One Devil

I checked in at the Oncology Department at 10:00. I was met by an oversealous oncology nurse. She said we were a few minutes behind schedule. It's not my fault. I was there fifteen minutes before the time.

She asked me if I have a companion. I said no one. But my brother is coming in the afternoon.
Then I looked around. Yeah, everyone in that waiting room had companions. To my right was a couple. The man was helping the wife filled out some forms.

To my left was a mother-daughter. The daughter was carrying the tote bag. In front of me was an elderly woman accompanied by a son, may be.

All seats were taken except one beside me. Some were practically standing up. No one approached me to ask if someone's taken the seat.

As I read the Business Week that I grabbed from the magazine rack, it also came to my mind. Why am I alone Lord? Alam naman ninyo, minsan it crosses my mind.

But it was my choice. I do not want to bother people if I can do it all by myself. Then I heard a voice. I thought it was the man seated next to the empty chair who was talking to me.

"But you're not alone. Seated beside you is the most qualified caregiver/companion." Your Angel.I looked at the seat. It was still empty. Is there anyone in that seat that I could not see? I got goosebumps. So I erased the thought balloon.

The oncology nurse fetched me and brought me to the prep room after I changed into a hospital gown. She put the IV. She explained it will be for the medication and sedative that they will later inject before the surgery. Hokey. The IV also would make feel full since I was fasting since the previous day. But with the liquid coming to my body, an equal amount should also come out. I rather hold the IV and go to the bathroom than using the bedpan. I got an embarrasing incident with bedpans. When I also had surgery back home, the nurse gave me a bedpan so I can pee. Then visitors came while the bedpan was under my ass, covered by the bedsheet. They stayed for almost an hour and the bedpan had already made an impression in my ass. *heh*

Conversation with God

As I have said, I've been sleeping. I missed blogging last october 13. When I missed blogging, I mean three blog entries a day.

Because, ive' been sleeping, I dreamt a lot too.

In my dream, I asked not "why me God?" questions?

I asked God to spare me from pain.

God said, "Pain makes you forget the worldy cares. It brings you closer to me."

"But why closer? Did I waiver in my faith?" I asked again.

God responded." No, it is just like a a growing tree, your spirit needs to be pruned to be more fruitful."






Tags:
Father Fernando Suarez,healing prayers,miracles

The Journey to the Surgery Room

It is three o clock in the morning. I had my longest sleep since I was prepped for yesterday's surgery. Had it been the routine colonoscopy,(just like mammography, it is diagnostic test for people who have reached a certain age with high risk for cancer) my gastroenterologist could have performed it in her clinic. But she told me the reason for the procedure. My CATscan (known also as virtual colonoscopy) showed that illegal "aliens" have invaded my colon and she would like to find out how long they have squatted there-- "evict" them if necessary. She warned me however that if they are stubborn and had developed already a "colon-y" she would not touch anything.

According to wikipedia:

Colonoscopy is the endoscopic examination of the large colon and the distal part of the small bowel with a CCD camera or a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube passed through the anus. It may provide a visual diagnosis (e.g. ulceration, polyps) and grants the opportunity for biopsy or removal of suspected lesions. Virtual colonoscopy, which uses 2D and 3D imagery reconstructed from computed tomography (CT) scans or from nuclear magnetic resonance (MR) scans, is also possible, as a totally non-invasive medical test, although it is not standard and still under investigation regarding its diagnostic abilities. Furthermore, virtual colonoscopy does not allow for therapeutic maneuvers such as polyp/tumor removal or biopsy nor visualization of lesions smaller than 5 millimeters.

A week before when she was briefing me, I glanced at the wall. There hung her diploma. Here, if you're not an MD, you don't have to decorate your cubicle or your office with your certificates. The diploma gives you an assurance that the doctor doesn't say quack.

I did not ask where she graduated from. This was pre-Desperate Housewives/racial slur incident. That is an insult. Even if she were a graduate from her native country, her specialization residency was done in the US. Every foreign graduate of
a medical course has to meet that standards requirement.

Dr. Emer made mention again the name of a healing priest, Father Fernando Suarez. He said he is his friend. Hr promised me that he will e-mail him for prayers. Several weeks ago, my friend in New Jersey also talked about him and the changes he brought to the life of her close friend. And last Wednesday, Resty forwarded to me the youtube of the healing priest.

Minutes before we left, I played the youtube again. Then I saw the sign in the vestment that he was wearing.

My brother accompanied me in the hospital. I was 15 minutes early. The medical receptionist asked me if I speak Spanish only. It made me think if it were my looks or they only know Hispanic people as aliens. I have not seen a Filipino staff in that hospital. Most Filipinos prefer to live in California where the climate suits them.

After the "Signing ritual" with the front desk receptionist, a medical assistant took my vital signs, quizzed me about the medications I was taking, noted the last time I had my liquid intake and directed us to the third floor. In the waiting room, I was able to read the issue about all wars in the world in the Time Magazine, the latest causes of Britney Spear's meltdown and I even picked up some tips about making one's room appear look bigger.

Faith is not belief without proof but trust without reservation

This was forwarded to me by Resty. Father Fernando Suarez is also the healing priest recommended to me by my friend/blogger/doctor, Dr. Emer. He's a personal friend of him.




Pray with me.




Tags:
Father Fernando Suarez,healing prayers,miracles

Father Fernando Suarez,healing prayers,miracles

The Mail that never came

I have a doctor's appointment today. Not my primary doctor but a specialist. So yesterday, I was busy filling in some forms which I hated but I should do myself. Rather than spend extra time in asking me what's my medical history and those of my relatives, my medications and some insurance matters,the doctor's office sent me the long form.

Then I have to call the Post Office. Twice already, I received a feedback that my letters were returned to sender marked Undeliverable. In these times, when I have been communicating with my lawyer, some agencies and friends thru snail mail, it is important that there should be no problem in these exchanges of communications. If it were only messages which could be related thru phones and e-mails, I would not panic but these are hard documents that needed to be received within a time frame.

When I call an office, I always asked for the person in charge of the operations. So I found out that there were two supervisors servicing two zip codes.

After hearing my complaint, the supervisor called the postman who's in charge of the mails in our area. I know he's still there because I called 5 minutes after their opening.

I asked him if there was a time when a temporary mailman delivered the mails for a specified period during the past weeks. He said none. He is the regular guy. I told him what I missed and I heard the stupidest reason why my letter was sent back to the sender. He said that the mailbox was full for that particular day so he did not put the rest of the mails inside.

Prayers from Friends

I have been receiving e-mails of support and prayer wishes from friends, fellow bloggers and readers.

One of them is Lorena Marzan who's from San Francisco but I just came to know her for a month now after she religiously leaves comments in my entries. Then we talked over the phone on her way to the SFGH to attend to her mom who has been there for six months now.

Today she forwarded to me a letter she wrote to a healing priest.

I was reading her blogs and has been posting comments on it too. I have not seen her personally, only thru telephone conversations. Please include her in your prayers as well as she is now undergoing battery of tests for Cancer.

Thank you Lorena and those who express their faith that I can survive this crisis.

I need to have the BIG FAITH and the WILL to LIVE.




Father Fernando Suarez,healing prayers,miracles

The Girl Who Wanted to be a nun

My friend who patiently brought me to my doctor's appointments in San Francisco called from the Philippines. He has been there since last year waiting for me to implement our dream project.

We were once involved in a foundation which takes care of rehabilitated drug dependents, young mothers and their kids. The soup kitchen was for all. The school is for the children of singple mothers. The CEO who inspired me was an Asian American.

My friend and I thought that we should bring the concept in the Philippines. Start small and make it big later.

He waited for my call as to when I am coming home. I can't. I have to stay here for medical reasons. He stopped communicating thinking that I've changed my mind.

My other friend texted him. If ever he was surprised, ( he was there with me in SF in all my doctor's appointments, driving me and giving me emotional support) it was the change in my acceptance of fate. He knows that I am a fighter.

He asked me to rally my "angels".

I told him, for this kind of help, I need the help of Someone at the TOP. It's like in the corporate jungle where the signature of the Chairman of the Board is needed for an important decision.

If He wanted to move me to another department, so be it. (Huwag lang doon sa walang airconditioned at may malaking fireplace.acheche) I was waiting for him to crack the joke that my elder brother used to tease me when he discovered my " I want to be a nun" affirmation that I wrote in every page of my notebook. He would tell me that the nunnery would be in trouble if ever I would be accepted as a novice. Then he would laugh out loud.

Sa kaniya naman, yong baka hindi ka pa tanggapin doon. Magugulo si San PIDROW.


You know when you're enrolled in a Catholic school, the retreats, the First Fridays masses and communions make you wish to follow the steps of the saints and the Church martyrs. Yeah, Virginia, ganoon ako noon pag malapit na ang Holy Week. Pagkatapos niyan, regular programming na naman.Balik na naman sa Guidance counsellor pag may kasalanan.



Noong minsan sa parish priest na kami dinala. Kami ha, hindi lang ako. The other in the "kami"
were non-Catholics enrolled in that school so they were exempted from making confessions on First Thursday in preparation for First Friday. The classes were suspended for half day to give us a chance to go to confessions.

I did not join my other classmates who lined up in the confessional box assigned to our section.
I joined my non-Catholic friends. We enjoyed "making sungkit of the star apple from the tree" in my friend's yard.

We overate and we were late when the classes were resumed. The monitor assigned to check whether we really went to confession or not, ratted me. Ang TRAIDOR. Hindi ko siya binigyan ng star apple which I put in a paper bag and left to the security guard. mwehehe.

We were brought to the priest. My non-Catholic friends were excused but not me. That's the first time, I said unfair. But the priest would make me pray the Our Father a hundred times.

The last balikbayan I made, I met the nuns in the convent which was the recipient of the donations made out to my mother's memory when she died.

Aside from giving me a warm welcome and accommodation fitted for a very important guest, they also gave me a special pass for the Cathedral of the Penafrancia. That was the fiesta of the Patron Saint of Naga. I almost told them that there was a crazy moment in my life that I dreamed to be a nun.

Latest news from them was the Mother Superior also succumbed to cancer and died at the Makati Medical. Well spent life.

The MRI Experience-Well done or Medium Rare?

This is how an MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) looks like.
.

I have this test today. Kinodakan nila ang aking brain kung lintek ng Big C na iyan ay pinakialaman na rin. Hindi ko alam kong nakangiti.

First, I asked the tech to cover my eyes. I am claustrophobic that the thought that I would be "scanned" inside for 30 minutes bombarded with noise and warm air that would make you feel you want to go makes me nauseous. Kung naging ala Maricel Soriano lang ako di sana bago nila ako ipinasok doon, sinabi ko na naman ang dialogue ko na ayoko nang masikip at saka lumuhod na huwag akong ipapasok doon. Maawa na sila. But that was only in my mind. And it was going to be read and photographed by the MRI.

Hinubaran ako ng lahat kong suot na metal. Tinanong pa nga ako kung may metal daw ako sa ulo. Ano ko si Terminator?

When I was taken out from that tube, I asked the tech. Am I well done, rare, medium rare or ...

The Battle is On

After battery of tests, blood tests that left a cross-stitched pattern in my arm; dog errrm catscan; ultra sound and other high tech machines, big and small which left me temporarily dazed and disoriented, the doctor said that aside from D- diabetes, H- hypertension, he's adding the big C in my list.

He waited for me to react. Siguro maglambitin sa kaniya at umiyak ng NO, NO, NO.
But I remained calm. Sabi naman sainyo matagal kong maintindihan kaagad. Sabi ko sa kaniya ESPLEYN DOC.

So he's recommending another battey of tests. (Siguro baterya na ng truck).

I should be at the stage of denial but thinking about the blessings I have already received and the peace that I am in at this phase of my life,( I got no more emotional baggage...yong iiwan ko marami... i have done my duties and responsibilities even those of other people's) I just thought that if I don't win this battle, my mission in this planet Earth is done.



They have always called me The Ca t but I do not know if I have used up my nine lives considering that I have had evaded near death experiences. Time will tell.

But as human, let me just blurt out.

WHY GOD ?

But then I remember polo's email early this morning regarding this blogger who died of cancer last Sunday, Aug 19, 2007. He was going to be 19 years old.

The article said:

He had blogged a lifetime of thoughts and dreams, words that somehow pierced through cyberspace and moved tens of thousands of readers to respond.

Tags:
Father Fernando Suarez,healing prayers,miracles