Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Is there a Miracle?

Today is my mother's death anniversary. Yeah you bet, she visited me late morning. I have just called the hospital to cancel an appointment that overlapped when I could not find the TV remote. Exasperated, I logged in to the computer, but the computer was also acting strangely.

Okay, so I said,yeah I am going to go out and get a piece of cake. She didn't like the pancit or the "suman" that I usually cooked and served. That's how I remember her birth/death anniversary.

One last attempt to find the TV remote, although it was not probable, I looked for it under the seat cushions of the sofa bed. There it is. I said hi and off I went to buy a candle and a small cake.

Last Sunday, she had already visited me.

She knew that I will be seeing the oncologist, Tuesday.

Her message was, "You can choose, you are given a new lease of life (which I am going to write a separate story) with the reminder that I will not be immuned from getting hurt and getting sad because that is the way it is. There's no perfect life. "

I asked her what did she mean by I can choose? Can I choose to die or to live longer? Isn't that confusing?

She explained that I have been living on a borrowed life ever since I came back from being dead when I was just a few months old. Then the series of the near death experiences that I called myself a cat with nine lives almost brought me "home". The closest was when I saw my deceased father extending his hands so I can go with him where there's no pain and sorrow. That was when my heart "skipped a bit" when I was brought unconscious to the emergency room due to the high blood pressure. That was when I was undergoing personal crisis which no one noticed due to my outward happy disposition. Did I wish to die then?

More questions before she left, so if I choose to live longer, what would I do? Will there any mission in life?

My mother said, yes. You will receive it in self-destructing cd or whatever you may call it.

Hahaha, she's still funny or is it just my brain hoping that I will have good news from the oncologist.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Two Angels And One Devil

I checked in at the Oncology Department at 10:00. I was met by an oversealous oncology nurse. She said we were a few minutes behind schedule. It's not my fault. I was there fifteen minutes before the time.

She asked me if I have a companion. I said no one. But my brother is coming in the afternoon.
Then I looked around. Yeah, everyone in that waiting room had companions. To my right was a couple. The man was helping the wife filled out some forms.

To my left was a mother-daughter. The daughter was carrying the tote bag. In front of me was an elderly woman accompanied by a son, may be.

All seats were taken except one beside me. Some were practically standing up. No one approached me to ask if someone's taken the seat.

As I read the Business Week that I grabbed from the magazine rack, it also came to my mind. Why am I alone Lord? Alam naman ninyo, minsan it crosses my mind.

But it was my choice. I do not want to bother people if I can do it all by myself. Then I heard a voice. I thought it was the man seated next to the empty chair who was talking to me.

"But you're not alone. Seated beside you is the most qualified caregiver/companion." Your Angel.I looked at the seat. It was still empty. Is there anyone in that seat that I could not see? I got goosebumps. So I erased the thought balloon.

The oncology nurse fetched me and brought me to the prep room after I changed into a hospital gown. She put the IV. She explained it will be for the medication and sedative that they will later inject before the surgery. Hokey. The IV also would make feel full since I was fasting since the previous day. But with the liquid coming to my body, an equal amount should also come out. I rather hold the IV and go to the bathroom than using the bedpan. I got an embarrasing incident with bedpans. When I also had surgery back home, the nurse gave me a bedpan so I can pee. Then visitors came while the bedpan was under my ass, covered by the bedsheet. They stayed for almost an hour and the bedpan had already made an impression in my ass. *heh*

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Conversation with God

As I have said, I've been sleeping. I missed blogging last october 13. When I missed blogging, I mean three blog entries a day.

Because, ive' been sleeping, I dreamt a lot too.

In my dream, I asked not "why me God?" questions?

I asked God to spare me from pain.

God said, "Pain makes you forget the worldy cares. It brings you closer to me."

"But why closer? Did I waiver in my faith?" I asked again.

God responded." No, it is just like a a growing tree, your spirit needs to be pruned to be more fruitful."

cathcath's healing


Saturday, October 6, 2007

The Journey to the Surgery Room

It is three o clock in the morning. I had my longest sleep since I was prepped for yesterday's surgery. Had it been the routine colonoscopy,(just like mammography, it is diagnostic test for people who have reached a certain age with high risk for cancer) my gastroenterologist could have performed it in her clinic. But she told me the reason for the procedure. My CATscan (known also as virtual colonoscopy) showed that illegal "aliens" have invaded my colon and she would like to find out how long they have squatted there-- "evict" them if necessary. She warned me however that if they are stubborn and had developed already a "colon-y" she would not touch anything.

According to wikipedia:
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Colonoscopy is the endoscopic examination of the large colon and the distal part of the small bowel with a CCD camera or a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube passed through the anus. It may provide a visual diagnosis (e.g. ulceration, polyps) and grants the opportunity for biopsy or removal of suspected lesions. Virtual colonoscopy, which uses 2D and 3D imagery reconstructed from computed tomography (CT) scans or from nuclear magnetic resonance (MR) scans, is also possible, as a totally non-invasive medical test, although it is not standard and still under investigation regarding its diagnostic abilities. Furthermore, virtual colonoscopy does not allow for therapeutic maneuvers such as polyp/tumor removal or biopsy nor visualization of lesions smaller than 5 millimeters.

A week before when she was briefing me, I glanced at the wall. There hung her diploma. Here, if you're not an MD, you don't have to decorate your cubicle or your office with your certificates. The diploma gives you an assurance that the doctor doesn't say quack.

I did not ask where she graduated from. This was pre-Desperate Housewives/racial slur incident. That is an insult. Even if she were a graduate from her native country, her specialization residency was done in the US. Every foreign graduate of
a medical course has to meet that standards requirement.

Dr. Emer made mention again the name of a healing priest, Father Fernando Suarez. He said he is his friend. Hr promised me that he will e-mail him for prayers. Several weeks ago, my friend in New Jersey also talked about him and the changes he brought to the life of her close friend. And last Wednesday, Resty forwarded to me the youtube of the healing priest.

Minutes before we left, I played the youtube again. Then I saw the sign in the vestment that he was wearing.

My brother accompanied me in the hospital. I was 15 minutes early. The medical receptionist asked me if I speak Spanish only. It made me think if it were my looks or they only know Hispanic people as aliens. I have not seen a Filipino staff in that hospital. Most Filipinos prefer to live in California where the climate suits them.

After the "Signing ritual" with the front desk receptionist, a medical assistant took my vital signs, quizzed me about the medications I was taking, noted the last time I had my liquid intake and directed us to the third floor. In the waiting room, I was able to read the issue about all wars in the world in the Time Magazine, the latest causes of Britney Spear's meltdown and I even picked up some tips about making one's room appear look bigger.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Faith is not belief without proof but trust without reservation

This was forwarded to me by Resty. Father Fernando Suarez is also the healing priest recommended to me by my friend/blogger/doctor, Dr. Emer. He's a personal friend of him.

Pray with me.

cathcath's healing